Sometimes I think my life does resemble a sit-com series, more of “Seinfeld” and “How I Met Your Mother” combined.

Like the latest event in my life…

It began 3 weeks ago, when I started to feel a hint of pain, near the groin. My first reaction: “Crap, I hope this is not hernia again”.

Back in 2004, I had a hernia operation – in Melbourne, Australia, when I was doing my Masters degree. Hernia is simply a tear in your abdomen wall, which allows internal organs to protrude, sometimes even visible from outside. I got hernia because I lifted up a heavy suitcase when leaving for Australia. Thanks to student medical insurance, I could get operated there free of charge.

The thing about hernia operation is NOT the operation itself. Back then, I did not even need to be hospitalized. Surgery in the morning, and in the afternoon, shoo-shoo, get out! Yup, I guess the Australian medical world is that efficient.

It’s the POST-operation period. Since the surgeon stitched/put a mesh on the tear, there was a wound inside. Now, a simple cough or sneeze that moved the abdomen feels like someone put a hot iron through your abdomen. I’m not joking. It hurts like friggin’ hell.

So when a similar pain occurred 3 weeks ago, I thought, “Oh no, not again”.

So off I went to see the doctor. First, a digestive surgeon. Nope, no hernia. I felt relieved and elated. Perhaps I suffer from infection the doctor thought, and antibiotics were prescribed. VERY EXPENSIVE antibiotics, I must say.

After a week, there was no progress. I got worried again. Damn, does it mean I may still have hernia? This time, I went to see the urologist. Again, no hernia was found. And then he said that he needed to check my prostate. I felt cold chill down my spine.

“Doc, do you REALLY have to do this?”

“Umm, yeah, because we need to check and eliminate the possibilities. Groin pain may be caused by inflamed prostate”

For those who don’t know prostrate check procedure – let me tell you something: IT IS F*CKIN INHUMAN! The doctor must slipped his finger through the ‘rear exit’ and feel the prostrate. Obviously, I’d rather have a date with a pornstar than having a doctor probe my anal.

I cringed, and I begged for mercy with my puppy eyes. The doctor stood firm.

Goddamit.

No choice. So I lied down on the bed, trousers down, whimpering like a little puppy. “Now I want you to RELAX, oke? If you tighten your muscles it will take longer” said the doctor.

If there was a frying pan around me at that time I was pretty sure I would have whacked him in the head, Rapunzel style. HOW COULD ANYONE FEEL RELAX WHEN BEING VIOLATED LIKE THIS?

So I tried my best to relax, and – OUCH – I could feel his finger inside me. “Now, do you feel pain if I do – THIS?”. He wiggled his finger, touched something that had to be my prostate. It didn’t hurt, but surely felt uncomfortable. “NO DOC, NO PAIN, JUST DISCOMFORT”

“Are you sure? Let me do it again – THIS?”

(Where the hell is a frying pan when you need it?)

“NO, NO, NO PAIN!!!”, I screamed. And the doctor pulled out his finger, and wiped my ass clean. I felt dirty.

“Ok, the good news is, the prostate is healthy. The bad news is, I still don’t know what caused the pain. So you need to go through USG – Doppler for certain”.

Why can’t I just go straight to USG without having to know his finger intimately?

The USG-Doppler finally revealed the answer, in both good and bad news. The good news, there is visual proof that I didn’t have hernia. The bad news: I was diagnosed with “varicocele”.

Let me put it in the shortest and clearest words what varicocele is: it’s really “varices in balls”. Some veins in my balls fail to function properly, so blood cannot run smoothly. The internet describes it as “fairly common among adult males, with 15% of US male suffer from it”. Generally it is not harmful, but it can be painful. And if it does not go away by itself, a surgery is needed to fix it.

Varicocele has been linked to infertility, probably because the dilated veins caused increased heat that kills or damages sperms.

Now this news really got me pissed. First of all, the pain has persisted for some time. Secondly, I don’t like my “little soldiers” live uncomfortably down there. This has to go.

I went to see a Urology-Surgeon for advice. He prescribed a drug that works by strengthening the veins, hoping that surgery is not necessary. I was also hoping that I didn’t have to go under the knife.

Unfortunately, after 4 days, the drugs did not yield any result. This morning, it was decided that I will need to go through the operation, scheduled tomorrow, Saturday morning.

The operation was classified as “light” – around 30 minutes. In the internet, it is said that patients may even leave the hospital on the same day as the procedure. But here I will be required to stay at least one night – just to make sure there is no problem. Now, I rarely have morbid fear of doctors or even operations, but this time it’s different.

The problem is, this time the knife will go near my balls…..

You see, I kinda need my balls healthy and functioning. How do I replicate my genes without them?

So yeah, as I contemplate over this episode of my life, I can’t help thinking the resemblance with sit-com series. I can imagine being George Costanza from Seinfeld, with Seinfeld and Kramer laughing over my “balls surgery”. Heck, I even got laughed at already by my colleagues as I explained about this and why I will be absent from the office next week.

So here I am, waiting for tomorrow’s procedure, writing away my restlessness on my blog.

Will continue the story AFTER the operation is finished….