The Male Superiority Myth, or My Sit-Com Epilogue

As a member of the male humans, I can confidently say this: male superiority is a myth.

And this realization came to me in full force thanks to the recent episode with Varicocelectomy (refer to previous two posts).

Now, when I wrote the previous post, I was still recovering in hospital bed, and had still been connected to Urinary catheter. Urinary catheter, for you ignorant people who don’t know, is a tube conected through uretra to allow you to pee when conditions do not allow (in my case, when anesthesia still numbed my bladder). Now for male patients, it means sticking a small tube through the penis.

I fully believe that the male penis evolved to eject stuff OUT (like urine, or little Marines hunting for the Egg), not to be inserted IN with alien stuff. It’s just wrong, and when you violate nature’s law, bad things happen.

So last night in the hospital, the good news came, I could be detached from catheter. Hooray, I thought. Finally, FREEDOOOM!! Seriously, there is no way a man can fight dragons and aliens with his penis stuck to a tube!

But the news came with two catches.

First, I had to undergo “Bladder Training”. It was almost 48 hours since my bladder just went as it wishes, now I had to make sure I have the ability to hold/release my pee at will. Only after I prove I can do this then the nurse can confidently remove the catheter.

The “Training” consists of clamping the tube in the outside, simulating a full bladder, and when I could feel I had to pee, I unclamp it. If I successfully pee, then it’s a good sign. Repeat two times to qualify for detachment.

I never realize a simple act as “peeing” can be this complicated. Seriously, it makes you appreciate little things your body do naturally when it’s healthy.

Anyway, I passed the test with flying colors. I just downed a large bottle of Aqua to fill up my bladder, and did the hold/release thing. Easy.

Now here’s the second catch. When they first inserted the tube, I was under local anesthesia, so I didn’t feel a thing. When they took it out, no anesthesia, no siree. Yep, they just gonna yank it out, Chuck Norris style.

So I thought, maybe it ain’t so bad. Just a short tube, surely I could endure one second of pain?

So when I went,

“AAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHFFFAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKIIIIIITHUUUUUUURRRTTTSSSSS”

for a full 5-6 seconds, I learned that the GODDAM CATHETER ISN’T THAT SHORT, IS IT?!

Female readers, you can never, NEVER, imagine the pain involving Mr. Happy who is far from happy. Seriously. When the tube was slowly being pulled, I had my life flashed before me…

(OK, perhaps I exaggerated a little, but hey, I need some drama to keep the readers at their seat, no?)

Even after I had been discharged from hospital, the agony had not ended. On the way home, everytime the taxi went over a pothole or speed bumps, the bumps caused pain in the groin area. The ride pretty much went like *bump* “AW!!” *bump* “AW!!”, and on, and on….

At home, when I reached my lovely bed, I learned another sad thing: I had to sleep lying on my back. This may seem normal to you, but for a fanatic bolster user like me, I always sleep hugging my bolster on one side, while imagining it as a Playboy bunny. Thanks to the operation, as I rolled myself to left, the pressure on the new operated wounds sent SHARP PAIN throughout my body. I actually SCREAMED like a little girl when this happened.

So this is when I reached my enlightenment:

Men ARE the weaker sex.

Despite all the muscular body, six packs, and male tits, we have one weak spot: the groin. Anything happened to the groin: a kick in the balls, medical surgery, frag grenade, cruise missile, Justin Bieber, etc, and we’ll go down like a Japanese Super Robot relying on Indonesian Power Company….

So I guess that’s why men try to come up with male superiority myth, and all the male-chauvinistic pig cultures: we are just afraid. We are afraid because deep down we know we are dependent on Mr. Happy’s happiness, and all our weaknesses hang to it. And women, who can be pregnant for 9 months AND labor for hours, are indeed much stronger.

My hat goes off to all women in the world.

And now if you would excuse me, I need to lie down again… Aw! Aw!

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Categories: Random Insight

15 Comments »

  1. Hahhahaha, ini lucu banget kak. Ups, bukan maksudnya ngetawain sih, tapi cara nyeritainnya itu loh, bikin ngakak.

    Aku pernah beberapa kali masangin kateter buat pria kak, dan emang gak nyaman buat pasiennya. Makanya dikasih jelly banyak2 biar gak sakit. :))

    Anyway, get well soon ya.(‾⌣‾)♉

  2. I’ve just read your sit-com life trilogy. Suddenly I remember around 3 years ago, when I accompanied Billy–being hospitalized for a surgery: removing the appendicitis. It was such a traumatic experience. So I can’t help but windering, how could you tell your story with such a hillarious way?:) Glad everything gone well. Wish you a speedy recovery:)

  3. Hope you are recovering soon. Yes, we appreciate you that we have to suffer the labor and don’t forget, our menstrual period every month.

  4. When you said “like a Japanese Super Robot relying on Indonesian Power Company….” I was thinking Mazinger Z with a huge 3 ABC batteries on his back :)))
    Semoga sekarang udah gapapa ya bro 😀 dan gw ga ngalamin yang kayak lo gitu
    *looking down at Mr. Happy*

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