Who, or what, are you falling in love with?

After so many years observing people (and myself!) in the complicated game of love, I can say this: often times, you don’t fall in love with a person. You fall in love with something else.

Most often, people fall in love with their own imagination of the perfect man/woman. You meet somebody, you barely know him/her, and then you start imposing your own ideals of a soulmate onto the person. Problem begins when the illusion starts to shatter, and you start to see ‘the real him/her’. And tragically, you accuse the person of ‘having changed’ – although it was your own eyes which finally opened.

Often times, people fall in love not with a person, but a “way out”. You are feeling lonely, you just don’t want to be alone and miserable, and you see this person as a ‘solution’. Then, you are falling in love with the solution to your problem, not with a person.

Some people fall in love with “agenda”. You have made plans for your life: when to find a partner, when to get married, when to have children, etc. And then you see this person as the fulfilment of your life’s “Outlook calendar”. Again, you are falling in love with your life schedule, not with a person.

Some others fall in love with “therapy”. You were broken inside, you have mental scars, you have childhood trauma. And then you find this person whom you think can cure you. Then, you are falling in love with the therapy for your own soul illness, not with a person.

And few lucky ones, find that one person, see his/her true soul, and fall in love. Few lucky ones, fall in love, with a person.

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50 Comments »

  1. “You are feeling lonely, you just don’t want to be alone and miserable, and you see this person as a ‘solution’’

    this is what i’ve been thinking about lately, and the reason why i dont think “relationship” isn’t for me, at least for now.

    gw masih lebih cinta duit 😛 terserah mau bilang apa, kalo ada duit (have fun, travel, EAT), perasaan lonely gw bisa terlupakan.

    plus my parents would stone me to death if they ever find out that i’m shagging a man lol

  2. Wah om. Aku kayanya jatuh cinta sama a way out. Soalnya setelah menjalani, ada komitmen yang diri aku belum bisa pegang hal itu. Terima kasih pencerahannya om. Its worth to read. 🙂

  3. and, sometimes, loving a person would blind you so that you would reject the imaginary, the way out, and the therapy … Although loving a person doesn’t always mean to be loved back dududududu….

    *sumpahh…bukan sayaa…*
    *eh bulan puasa ga boleh bohong XD*

  4. “And few lucky ones, find that one person, see his/her true soul, and fall in love. Few lucky ones, fall in love, with a person.”

    But often happens, that person is not for us in the end. :’)

  5. Semacam Sekolah ya ini.
    1st class: Dasar-dasar percintaan (totally basic) <—- jomblowan/jomblowati
    2nd class :Imagination
    3rd class: A way out
    4th class: Agenda
    5th class: Therapy
    6th class A person

    Abis itu tinggal Ebtanas dan melanjutkan ke sekolah berikutnya. Ahh, hidup ini sekolah ya ternyata :')

    Nb: saya masih dikelas 1, kasihan *self puk-puk* #curhat

  6. “Often times, people fall in love not with a person, but a “way out”. You are feeling lonely, you just don’t want to be alone and miserable, and you see this person as a ‘solution’. Then, you are falling in love with the solution to your problem, not with a person.”

    well, sit… relax….

    maybe i need more time to think about it before i’m getting married in January, what do you think om? should i???

    • Pernah berada dalam situasi kaya gini. Dan saya memilih menyudahi ketika sadar dg “ketidakberesan” saya dalam mencintainya *tsaahh… #curcol. Walopun jadinya harus nggak enak sama keluarga besar sih.. Tapi ada kelegaan yg luar biasa setelah berhasil keluar dari lingkaran itu.
      And now, I’m among the ones ^^,

  7. Dear om piring, thank you. It’s another refreshing post from your blog :’)

    Most often, people fall in love with their own imagination of the perfect man/woman. You meet somebody, you barely know him/her, and then you start imposing your own ideals of a soulmate onto the person. Problem begins when the illusion starts to shatter, and you start to see ‘the real him/her’. And tragically, you accuse the person of ‘having changed’ – although it was your own eyes which finally opened.

    Often times, people fall in love not with a person, but a “way out”. You are feeling lonely, you just don’t want to be alone and miserable, and you see this person as a ‘solution’. Then, you are falling in love with the solution to your problem, not with a person.

    Those 2 paragraphs reminds me NOT to fall in love when i’m lonely, but to fall in love when i’m ready & happy.

    May you’re blessed by falling in love with your soulmate :))

  8. “Problem begins when the illusion starts to shatter, and you start to see ‘the real him/her’. And tragically, you accuse the person of ‘having changed’ – although it was your own eyes which finally opened.”

    And when it happens, it’s like you wish your eyes remained closed (⌣́_⌣̀)
    A worth reading blogpost, the one which helps people to realize what or who they’re falling in love with right now. Thanks OmPir(ing) 😀

  9. Masalah berikutnya adalah abis falling in love biasanya harapannya nikah .. Padahal ada yg bilang falling in lope sama pernikahan ntu beda Mas Bro, pernikahan ntu komitmen untuk mau berusaha falling in lope berulang ulang kali with the same person … karena in lope sendiri katanya cm tahan paling lama 1 taon entah itu dengan righ person , agenda, teraphy or whatever it is

    Sisanya yah komitmen and usaha

  10. menurut saya, semua yg masuk kategori fall in love with “what” bisa bergeser ke fall in love with “who”, waktu jadi key factor yg paling berperan Om. Saya sedang menjalani waktu untuk bergeser ke arah falling in love with a person dan saya dapat pembelajaran yg banyak saat menjalaninya. Love your post! 😀

  11. Hhhhhhhhh *menghela napas berat*

    Niat mau nyari amnesia.. Ehh synestesia, malah baca artikel iniii.. O(>﹏<)o
    Oom, ini nohok bangett :

    Some people fall in love with “agenda”. You have made plans for your life: when to find a partner, when to get married, when to have children, etc. And then you see this person as the fulfilment of your life’s “Outlook calendar”. Again, you are falling in love with your life schedule, not with a person.

    Sounds like 'me'
    Terlalu tersusun. Terlalu terencana. Lebih tepatnya dikejar umur dan faktor temen2 lain yang udah nikah dan punya anak…

    Am i fallin in love with him… As a person??
    -______-

    Oiya, ijin copast di note FB gpp kan oom?? Pake credits kok… Hhehhehe..

  12. You know what, I feel like you slap on me when I read this. You wake me up out of my dream of ‘perfect him’ 😐

    Now, I realize how I should love someone properly. Bukan karena pengusir rasa kesepian. Thank’s, om 😀

    *tulisannya bagus, saya suka d^^b

  13. Sometimes u don’t need a reason to fall in love, also need no reason to fall out of love..
    apa yng ditulis disini, harus saya akui kebenarannya,, karna saya mengalaminya sendiri..
    ketika jatuh cinta dan menuju jenjang pernikahan, ternyata si dia berubah, dan menuduh saya berubah.. sayangnya dia tak mau membahas “perubahan” yng dia liat itu.. dia memendamnya, dan itu memadamkan cintanya.. yah, terbukti bahwa pernyataan pertama benar..

    dan sekarang, karna saya patah hati, miserable n lonely, akhirnya mulai mencari jalan keluar dan merasa jatuh cinta kepada laki2 lain yng selama ini selalu menjadi tempat curhat saya, yng membuat saya nyaman, dsb.
    setelah membaca ini, saya sadr, i need to think it again before i go deeper 🙂

    thanks yaa 🙂

  14. Interesting observation Hen… IMO it doesn’t need to fall under the either/or perspective. I think we fall in love with a person… THAT fulfills our loneliness, agenda, expectation, subconscious need for healing, etc. In logotherapy, the reasons for falling in love is even more bluntly highlighted: we fall in love with the person that represents aspects of our parents’ personality that we have not integrate with completely (nah loh). I think the mindtrap that you are trying to highlight, is that we don’t fall in love with a person, just because of that person’s attraction. We believe that we fall in love with a person because of their qualities, and not see that he/she represents our long list of unfulfilled needs.

  15. Pingback: Monday love lesson
  16. Reblogged this on Daffodil's Notes and commented:
    Sometimes we simply don’t have any luck to meet/realize that person in right time, it can be too fast or too late. We might have met that person, but we take that person for granted.

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